just tell him i said nine months
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
