So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
tell me about the fingering
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