My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
