Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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