I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
