He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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