You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
