Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
