He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
