I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
