I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
