Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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