do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
