I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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