I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
