Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
