can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize