I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
