i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.