I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
vagina is talking i cant
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?