I love black thongs
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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