My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
