Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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