i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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