i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
