I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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