he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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