Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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