I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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