my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
