no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
