if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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