My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
