i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
