Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
