shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
