Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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