I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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