My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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