"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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