I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
