So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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