dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
