I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
