you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
