I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
