This is not my ceiling
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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