I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
