How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
