ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
