The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
