When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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