There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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