The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
