I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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