It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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